In the beginning...

limerick  (ˈlɪmərɪk) (n.)
a form of comic verse consisting of five anapaestic lines of which the first, second, and fifth have three metrical feet and rhyme together and the third and fourth have two metrical feet and rhyme together

 [C19: allegedly from "will you come up to Limerick?",  a refrain sung between nonsense verses at a party]

All this talk of limericks reminds me about a number of friends with whom I used to compose them. The innovative slant on this was the method employed; one of the friends (Simon) hosted a website which comprised – among other things - a chatroom, his blog, and a limerick page where anyone logged in could contribute a suitable line to a current limerick often with, as they say, hilarious consequences, and the limericks were surreal, topical, sometimes meaningless and full of in-jokes. They were often also ruined (frequently deliberately) by several people, none more so than Toxic Trousers, of whom I was reminded recently. No, nobody knew who he was but I remember he was the one most commonly singled out for retribution by the Limerick Police. A feature in the latter days of the limerick page (which, sadly, has fallen into comparative disuse) was the identity of the contributor being displayed when your cursor hovered over his or her line.

I don't think that the almost private nature of the limericks detracts from the enjoyment of reading them and, before I embark upon the task of populating this humble blog with limericks fully authored by me, I'd like to show you a few (co-authors names excluded).

If I see one more Tesco horse joke
'pon my value "beef" burger I'll choke
But I'd happily chew
through this elephant stew
Though frogburgers'd cause me to croak

I really should practise, not preach
The latter is no way to teach;
I'll get down off my soapbox
Does Francis wear Pope socks?
With sandals when out on the beach

Assault with an Offensive Whistle
Makes a chap want to write an epistle
Don't blow it too hard
or you'll get a red card
Seems to me quite an unfair dismissal

O Romeo, wherefore art thou?

I'm here in the garden, you cow!
I got stuck in the trellis
But just what the hell is
The light that was breaking just now?

A gold medal contender from France
Entered swimming, darts, dressage, and dance
No end to her talents
A great sense of balance
And she let the judge enter her pants

Backwards things did who man a was there
tale his you tell I as me with bear
reverse to tried once he
forwards going fore-be
tell could none up ended he where

Hurrah! Here I come, Nicosia!
So hot! Discard clothes, you'll feel freer
But wear a big hat
And a long pink cravat
And cover your blush with a beer

I have a room full of Yellow Pages
Chinese servants? You've had them for ages
Release them back to the wild
The weather's still mild
May as well; they don't get any wages

Not as mad as my fave pizza topping
Which is served up in portions quite whopping
It's whale fat and lard
Stuffed crust, cheese, quite hard
And some very small grains of squirrel dropping

Walk from Land's End to John O'Groats
And see if you find any goats
Or llamas or emus
Then tell BBC News
And the viewers can phone in their votes

Snow, snow, one hundred names in Inuit
Well I didn't know that - what a dimwit
Go and ask Stephen Fry
He'll tell you why
In probably less than one minuit

It usually sets the tongues wagging
When Lois is overheard bragging
about when he had hair
in abundance, 'down there'
It was all used for water pipe lagging

'que sera sera' said Doris Day
'Kiss 'er what?' said her sister. 'No way!'
You'll not make me pucker
Near that wrinkled sucker
I'd prefer that you 'Whip crack away!'

My word, that last verse wore us out
We limped like we all had the gout
It's going so slowly
Like thick guacamole
And custard with lumps in, or grout

I once made a tikka masala
From two cats and a baby koala
The unusual taste
meant it all went to waste
Next time I shall use an impala

Christmas shopping while seated is better
going outside is usually wetter
with google and ebay
and amazon you may
Avoid writing Santa a letter

the best things in life are not free

You can pay by peso or rupee
all the best things are dear
Such as love, and strong beer
Or a night out in Ringwood with me

A helpful young man, Sancho Panza

loved watching re-runs of 'Bonanza'
'Gunsmoke' and 'Rawhide'
Made him gleeful inside
Yee-hah! (for the sake of this stanza)

I have damp in the breast of my chimney

said a cricket (the one known as Jiminy)
Dry rot at the top
Is causing a flop
They don't have this problem in Rimini

A horsefly once bit me quite badly
I scratched myself through the night madly
The lump that ensued
(I won't say where, it's rude)
Somewhat ruined my sex life, most sadly

The right one weighs twenty-one ounces
The left one is lighter, but bounces
The container is wrinkled
The wrapper is crinkled
And when you're not looking, it pounces

A book has just dropped on my head

so to recover I'm off to bed
It wasn't light reading
It left my head bleeding
But hurrah! It was one I'd not read

A accident waiting to happen

B banana and this rhyme's a crap 'un
C cow with a mooooo
D dog of strange hue
E ah think ah'll put ma flat cap on

F in lurgy has struck me AGAIN

G, how many times is that? Ten?
H you can call me
I don't disagree
J-ded I feel, far too often

K, that's quite enough now

L's bells are you starting a row?
M N tal's cheesy
O P off, I'm queasy
Qme and get it, you silly old sow

R that's what all pirates must say
S 'cept when they're on holiday
T's their off-duty drink
U be jesting, Oi think
V hemmently, 'tis true, verr-i-lay!

W back, down the road

X it left but beware the wide load
Y? How should I know?
Z the folk of Truro
And that's it for the alphabet mode

1's birthday was regal yet fun
2 rule o'er the land like I've done
3 people are needed
'4 we say this succeeded
5er says we'll be finished by one

For the occasion of Valentine's Day

I 'celebrated' in my own way
My feet smeared with mince
and an album by Prince
and a fisherman's friend in the bay

A foolish young lady from Essex

Was devoid of a semblance of ethics
So she built a machine
That would suck out your spleen
In the name of advanced cybernetics

Ooh, very well done on that, Maris

A real bonzer line! (Signed: Rolf Harris)
I haven't seen better
By email or letter
You win a free trip! (not to Paris)

Big Brother in Finland's just starting

Into undergrowth I would start darting
They must have some "bottle"
I bet the whole lot'll
Descend into swearing and farting

A bendy young man with three elbows

Folds both arms in half when a bell goes
He ends up in knots
When his squeezes his spots
And it's hours before the bad smell goes

Some pigs led a farm revolution

Two legs, not four, the solution
But not for forsakin'
The huge side of bacon
Tasty, but with good elocution

There - not too painful, was it? And, to those in the know who are reading this, how nostalgic do you feel now?

Anyway, I'm still very fond of limericks (you could always add one as a comment) and all the others on here are my own.